PBR me ASAP

I came across this article today, a list of the 7 things that only make sense when you're drunk. Number 7 was "Drinking Crappy Beer," which featured a prominent picture of Pabst. Now, I usually drink something a little bit more palette stimulating than Pabst, but I'm certainly not above it. This isn't Schlitz Red Bull we're talking about here; it's the Blue Ribbon.

To counter the damage done to the other beer that made Milwaukee famous, I present:

7 Popular Beers that are Worse than PBR

7. Rolling Rock

Why is it that you can get this beer everywhere? Just because it comes in a green bottle, doesn't mean it's good. Did you know that they make a light version of this beer? It's true! The brewmaster says it's made using two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.

6. Summit Extra Pale Ale

How did this end up as Summit's flagship beer? Sometimes at restaurants it is simply listed as "Summit," which is all the more ironic because even within the brewery, it's hardly that. Thank god Surly showed up in a nearby Minneapolis suburb to give Minnesota some real ale.

5. Miller Genuine Draft

This is without a doubt, the worst beer in the Miller lineup. I'd rather have a High Life or a Lite any day of the week. Somehow this boring lager became the star of the show, pushing the much more nuanced High Life to the sidelines. Anyone remember the plain old "Miller" that came in a red can? They should have stuck with that.

4. Corona

I think corona is Spanish for "urine." Mexicans can make decent beer; Pacifico and Negro Modello are examples, but the largest selling Mexican beer in America is nothing special. Put a little salt and lime in an Old Milwaukee and it'll taste the same.

3. Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss

Weiss? Are you kidding me? This sweeter version of a Leine's original somehow captured the hearts and minds of sorority girls everywhere. My guess why: it's watered down and sweet. Perfect! Also, note to Leinie's, a Weiss is unfiltered by definition.

2. Stella Artois

This insult to the Belgian brewing tradition is the worst of the European lagers to hit the American shores. It's not terrible or anything, but it's certainly not worth bringing it across the Atlantic, and definitely not worth the price. Any of the German lagers are more flavorful, and somehow smoother too. Also the "Anno 1336" on the bottle? Total BS. This beer wasn't produced until 1926.

1. Budweiser

The king of beers my ass. This rice-using macro brew only got where it is because Schlitz, Miller, Pabst, and Blatz had to slug it out in Milwaukee. This character devoid swill is the definition of hype. I'm taking the 1893 blue ribbon win over the baseless king of beer title.

Honorable Mention: Heineken. Heineken? FUCK THAT! PABST BLUE RIBBON!